Feb 16, 2009 9:26 PM
there's a correlation between my mood and the number of posts. when life's smooth i'm pretty lazy to blog but when i hit a rut that's when all the posts start appearing regularly, for instance now. notice the last post for just last friday. anyways life these past few days has been at such a low point that all the previous 'symptons' are back and i've to fight to hold back the tears. hopefully it's swinging back up soon. no use crying over spilt milk (so cliche but so true) and no point regretting and thinking of what ifs. gotta get that dreamer out of my head which i'm getting slightly better at, with constant encouragement and reminders by my dearest friends - i truly love you guys for keeping me sane (most of the time) and just being there for me (:
today i started asking myself what makes me happy. i actually wanted to do a list but the result was that i drew a blank. sure, retail therapy makes me happy but it's only a momentary thrill and if you don't know me by now, i rather relationships than possessions. being with friends makes me happy but sometimes even while with them i just can't entirely enjoy myself. being together with someone does make me happy but of course that's out of the picture for now. joyce suggested inner peace, that when you attain inner peace you'll feel happy with yourself. i suppose that's true except that in my case, one, sometimes i fool myself into thinking i've achieved inner peace and two, when i do attain inner peace, i'd feel contended but not happy. i suppose most of the time i feel blessed, i feel fortunate that i've what i have but i don't feel happy. i feel that happiness is the occasional moments in life that we all live for - it's dependent on one's definition of happiness too, the more stringent the criteria, the less happy moments we actually experience. with the changes in my life now, it's been a struggle to attain that inner peace, much less feel happy. but i've got to try, mind over heart.
just alot of food for thought, i've been doing some necessary soul searching recently in order to get the dreamer out of my head.